You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.