@FlyJ_: You're in a work meeting and your boss asks, "Any questions?"
The answer is always, NO.
@notacroc: WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they're real
@TheTonyHowell: My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?
@HiddenPinky: "If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?"
"I could tell you, bud, I'd have tequila."
@krishna_van: Been playing hide n' seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
@Jason_maybe: Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.