You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Mission: Impossible
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣