“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
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WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.