“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.