“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today