@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus #GoodFriday
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@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
@TheKenyan_: Ways to make your woman happy. 1. Cook for her. 2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses. 3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.