“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.