“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.