“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg