If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.