You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
who wore it better?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.