You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Not now. I’m deglazing.