Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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and this one
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism