You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.