You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am