You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.