Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
<- sleeps well with others
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Midwest trash talk
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.