Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
PLOT TWIST:
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.