“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
? 💀
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.