I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”