“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.