“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.