i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.