Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”