You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
You Might Also Like
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.