ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.