You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.