You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”