professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.