You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
You Might Also Like
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.