You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Important
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
This guy gets it.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.