You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.