I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
i can’t wait that long
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!