“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD