Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Boating season is upon us.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.