This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM