@patrickmarkryan: You're not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person's name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
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@Boba_Photo: 11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer.
@lawyerthoughts: court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there? me: i've got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
@EndhooS: Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
@jazmasta: [speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] "Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?" "No" "Didn't think so"