@patrickmarkryan: You're not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person's name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
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@HeatherLuvsYou: A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
@TopherKearby: Want to know what it's like to have kids? 1. Gather everything you own. 2. Throw it all on the floor. 3. Pick it up. 4. Repeat for infinity.
@Joe_Schmuck: "I'll Knock You Into Next Week" have black mothers invented time travel? Details at 11. #ABCReports