I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Yup!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught