@jordan_stratton: You're not impressing anyone, server who didn't write down our orders. You're just making us anxious.
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@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
@JustDontBugMe: Me: *carrying a heavy bag* Him: Whoa, take it easy. Let me help. M: I’m OK. I'm a strong, independent person. I don't need help. [seconds later] M: *crying* I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERS!
@WilliamAder: Nurse at the doctor's office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
@curlymalloy: An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!... But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!