You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help