“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I think they could have phrased this better
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I think we should hear other voices.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run