“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.