[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
a public service announcement
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?