You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here