Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
wut hotdog?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.