You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
You Might Also Like
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.