You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.