You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs