You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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time for some seasonal decor
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
This guy’s not having it 😆