You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
#JohnTravolta
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.