I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life