INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Ghost costume 😂
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The glockness monster
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*