Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
OH. COME. ON.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”